no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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