someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
