so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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