I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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