I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Shame - the story of my life.
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