Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
