I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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