who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
