so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
