make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
