Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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