My hand turned me down
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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