sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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