My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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