I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
