We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
