we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This baby is an asshole
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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