when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This show inspires me to have sex in space
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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