break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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