look no pants
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
