K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
