If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
