i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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