During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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