She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I think my moral compass just broke
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