Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
