you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
