I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
