My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
