eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
