my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize