hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
