He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
