If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
