We won't sleep together?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
