i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
