it wasn't lemon gatorade
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
