why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
