Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
