Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door