I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
