my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
