he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
