Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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