Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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