the day after is always just damage control
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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