the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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