Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
