My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
