I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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