she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
