Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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