what day is it and did you see me today?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
