god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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