i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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