you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
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nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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