hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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