none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
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