This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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