while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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