she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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