Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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