Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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